steve shearer wrote:packa wrote:
Let's start with the basic. If YOU ask someone how they are, or better still "Are you OK?" that is not the end of the conversation. It's just the start, actually, it's probably more likely not even the most important step ... it's what the person says to you in response, how you hear what is said, and THEN what you ask, say or do ...
Think about it.
Most people in distress DO NOT ASK FOR HELP.
So, when asked "are you OK?" ... their response will be yes, or dismissive, or avoidance, or whatever ... it's a private shame they are dealing with and to confront it when someone asks "are you ok?" is tough.
So, what do YOU do next?
Good question. Any ideas?
Good onya for weighing in here ... hell knows this is an uncomfortable subject.
As tonks posted, some good info at "beyond blue" and also 'the black dog institute' websites.
From my experience and first hand knowledge of both suffering and supporting others with it, my suggestions are:
1. Don't be afraid of saying the wrong thing. I'll use an example. Maybe you all remember the case where a person, having had a car accident, was slumped over their steering wheel, wind pipe being held closed by their head leaning forward. People, first on the scene were worried, concerned, scared, whatever if they touched this person they might break their neck ... truth is, doing nothing is more likely to kill them. Reach in, gently lift the head up and see what happens ... that is my recommendation here. Doing nothing is NOT an option.
2. In order to achieve action 1 ... YOU have to get over YOUR preconceived ideas about the illness. Read the link to the article "depression, a disease of energy production' and get it through your head, however possible, that this "mental illness' does not mean the person is a raving lunatic that might kill you. Their body has shut down, and gave up the fight, so they need someone to lift up their head and help them breathe.
3. So, you've got through 1 and 2, asked "are you OK?" or "how are you?" and got the dismissive, or avoidance response, or the feign 'yes', "i'm ok, why?" ... whatever ... now, truth is your are not talking to a total stranger, this is someone you have known, and have seen in a different functional state. Have you noticed any differences in them? Usually clean shaven, now a bit scruffy, clothes not as sharp, not been surfing, fishing on seen them around ... maybe their lawns and gardens have become less cared for, weeds, longer grass, maybe it's their car - usually clean now dirty ... whatever. These are all signs of the body having given up and it is putting energy into just surviving. So, the key here is to notice what they are NOT saying.
4. That brings us to this ... get them talking. Ask about their family, their interests, surfing, fishing, whatever ... they have interests and when this illness gets them, they go out the window, they just don't give a rats arse about them, and when they talk about them, they will be negative, flat, even non committal ... when usually, remember you'll usually now this person, they would have talk about their last few surfs, where they went fishing, what the kids are doing, etc ... so, get them talking, ask more questions, subtly, about things you know they would have normally be interested in, and listen, really listen to what and how they respond ...
5. Then, now, you have some more info to repeat you initial question. "Mate, you don't sound yourself, are you ok?" ... listen, listen for the response. You'll not want to push it, and they will show obvious signs of being uncomfortable, and you don't want to now close that off ... so, my recommendation is to give them space, time, air ... to respond, sit in quiet, say nothing if need be ... then, if your genuine, hell YOU are, you've got this far, you can offer "mate, if you ever you need to talk", "wanna catch up for a beer", 'how about we grab a coffee" ...
And you know what, just THAT, very simple gesture can lift the mood. To know someone cares, someone who may be an almost stranger cares enough to reach out ...
Thanks Craig. It was a small gesture but did lift the mood.
6. Now, if you know this person, have their contact number, or know where they live ... make some regular contact. And, when you do, be honest. Say straight, "I'm worried about you, thought I'd touch base ...", "how are you going, last time we spoke you seemed pretty flat, down, not your usual self' ... and again, listen, listen to what they say and how they say it ... YOU can't crack this by pushing, by forcing them, but ... the simple gesture of showing concern and that YOU care enough to ask can really really help. They feel alone, they feel disconnected, and YOUR actions help to keep them connected ... even though they may not say it, or show it, they will benefit from you taking the time to connect with them ...
7. And repeat 6 every few days, or daily, or weekly ... feel it out, see how they are ... act with genuine concern and humility and it will be fine. Just remember, this is about them, and not you. Get over your fears, take the step and connect, reach out and keep in contact ...
How's that Steve, give you a starting point?
Anyone else with experience have anything to add or disagree with?