F**ked myself in the office!

[Carpark King]

Got super bored this arvo in the office, starting talking to another bloke at the printer about girls we know, their boobs, the weird looking ones, the ones who fluctuate weight and the nick names we have for some of them. General male rudeness & girl talk usually reserved for the pub.

Two 'sensitive' females in the office were sitting two metres away behind a bookshelf and heard the whole conversation. In fact 2/3 oft the office probably heard. Lets just say if those two females were my boss then I would not be getting a promotion anytime soon.

Moral of the story is dont talk about boobs in the office.

[ric_vidal]

So who's more sick: him for saying it, or me for knowing what he's talking about?

So is there a prize attached to this indiscretion, Schmntl?

[Chamberess]

Pardon my ignorance, but what DOES that mean?

---------

There is a guy at my work whom everyone has nicknamed "serial killer" because he looks and acts like one - 6'2, pale, thin to the point of anorexic, weird coloured tattoos, receding hair line, glasses and eyes that seem to pop out of his head and reeeeeeeeeal creepy.

One time we were having a morning tea at work and a bunch of us were talking about Byron Bay, when he randomly starts talking aloud about anal sex with a girl. Mind you, he is not speaking from experience, but simply sharing his fantasy with us.

It was his birthday on Friday and i'm about to leave the bar we're all drinking at when he says "What no kiss goodbye for me but you kiss the other guys goodbye? None of the girls have given me a birthday kiss today". I thought to myself "I wonder why..creep"

[WANDERER]

Pardon my ignorance, but what DOES that mean?

---------

There is a guy at my work whom everyone has nicknamed "serial killer" because he looks and acts like one - 6'2, pale, thin to the point of anorexic, weird coloured tattoos, receding hair line, glasses and eyes that seem to pop out of his head and reeeeeeeeeal creepy.

One time we were having a morning tea at work and a bunch of us were talking about Byron Bay, when he randomly starts talking aloud about anal sex with a girl. Mind you, he is not speaking from experience, but simply sharing his fantasy with us.

It was his birthday on Friday and i'm about to leave the bar we're all drinking at when he says "What no kiss goodbye for me but you kiss the other guys goodbye? None of the girls have given me a birthday kiss today". I thought to myself "I wonder why..creep"

You should get to know him better, he's probably just a normal guy with a big hole in his basement

[Grooter]

I used to work with a Russian women called Margerita.

She never used to shower and her BO got so bad some of us used to gag everytime she moved. It took about 3 successive complaints to HR before she got the soap out every morning.

I've worked in cube farms for 9 years now and you tend to find out too much about too many people at times. I once busted a manager, Tony, having a wank in the dunnies. Don't know what his diet was like but his baby batter fcuking stunk!

[mad]

^^^^^^^^I can only think of the joys and pleasures you would have smntl making such an anal retentive come unstuck. Probably why ya can list all Jerry's dislikes so officiously, this sort of wanker has victim written all over them

I get a couple of mates come in to work now and then and want to have a yarn about the surf, which can be fairly compromising if you skulk into work an hour late after a morning's sesh. Bastards show no control over volume and potty mouths either.

[Chamberess]

How about finding out your company failed to do a police check on someone until after they passed probation, only to have to fire them as they had a record. Jeez, i feel so safe

[infectious]

yeh, thats pretty bad... i'd feel pretty unsafe if i was working with a petty criminal... i'd have to lock up my stapler and write my name in really big letters on food in the fridge...

[One Mile Point]

yeh, thats pretty bad... i'd feel pretty unsafe if i was working with a petty criminal... i'd have to lock up my stapler and write my name in really big letters on food in the fridge...

Classic

[Chamberess]

I'm more worried about the sticky tape...and my tissue box

My office is an interesting mix, some of whom i have given nicknames:

* Serial killer i've already mentioned
* Colonel Sanders- Looks like the bastard love child of Rolf Harris and the KFC colonel. He is a 50-something, greying, crusty- looking bloke with a beer gut the size of a keg (no exaggeration either). He speaks 10 times louder than a normal human and basically does f**k all at work. He also has a short fuse.
* The area manager is an indian guy who thinks he is alot smart than he actually is and only likes people who agree with him. He is not good with confrontation. His indian name sounds alot like 'c**t' which is a bit of a coincidence
* Then there is the big gay Kiwi guy- massively fat, white hair, also in his 50's. He likes to say "don't give me chocolate" alot. I never eat morning teas when he is around as it makes me ill. He is very nosey, moody and likes to sniff everyone's food all the time :?
* My TL is pregnant again even though she just got back from maternity leave. She has a massive a*se compared to the rest of her body and spends all day at work on the phone talking to her baby (who can't speak), her husband, her mother, her father and whoever else in her family tree she can get a hold of.

That's all the 'characters' in my immediate team

Plays a part in why i hate work so much

[infectious]

hearing about the undeniable class of the people you work with has got me thinking what it says about you and your job... it really is true, you make it way too easy!

[collnarra]

I once busted a manager, Tony, having a wank in the dunnies. Don't know what his diet was like but his baby batter fcuking stunk!

how did you known he was strangling the chicken? And how did you know it was him and not someone else? Did you lurk outside the doors waiting for him to come out?

[Surfin Turf]

I'm more worried about the sticky tape...and my tissue box

My office is an interesting mix, some of whom i have given nicknames:

* Serial killer i've already mentioned
* Colonel Sanders- Looks like the bastard love child of Rolf Harris and the KFC colonel. He is a 50-something, greying, crusty- looking bloke with a beer gut the size of a keg (no exaggeration either). He speaks 10 times louder than a normal human and basically does f**k all at work. He also has a short fuse.
* The area manager is an indian guy who thinks he is alot smart than he actually is and only likes people who agree with him. He is not good with confrontation. His indian name sounds alot like 'c**t' which is a bit of a coincidence
* Then there is the big gay Kiwi guy- massively fat, white hair, also in his 50's. He likes to say "don't give me chocolate" alot. I never eat morning teas when he is around as it makes me ill. He is very nosey, moody and likes to sniff everyone's food all the time :?
* My TL is pregnant again even though she just got back from maternity leave. She has a massive a*se compared to the rest of her body and spends all day at work on the phone talking to her baby (who can't speak), her husband, her mother, her father and whoever else in her family tree she can get a hold of.

That's all the 'characters' in my immediate team

Plays a part in why i hate work so much

sounds like the ideal cast for a sitcom ... just add car parks for the smutty comments guy and channel 10 might just be interested ...

[spongeInside]

all this work talk is classic.. reminds me of that show 'the office' (a fav)

I've been busted a few times talking about chicks in the office... there's one time in particular that was pretty bad. There's this one girl on the floor who is pretty hot, she wears these micro skirts every now and then (despite numerous warnings from senior mgmt that it is not appropriate office attire).. anyway, I managed to time my morning entry onto the open stairwell perfectly, it just so happened she was on the next set of stairs above me and I got a quick glimpse of the WHOLE lot (must have been too hard to find some undies that day)
Anyway, later in the day I was using the Gents and some office mates walk in.. not surprisingly the conversation quickly turned to miss exhibitionist and her efforts today. I was pretty quick to let everyone know that my morning entry gave me a good idea of what she had for breakfast, and gave an appropriate rating, anyway she was apparently in a cubicle in the Ladies that joins the wall of the Gents.. turns out she heard the whole conversation and her email to me about 10mins later explained this quite explicitly I was shitting myself for a while, but returned an email saying that she should be flattered that we're looking it settled down after a while and things returned to normal.. it was a nervous few days for me though.

Another bad one happened yesterday.. heaps of work people use facebook (even the oldies). There are a couple of new chicks on the floor that I noticed using facebook whilst on my way past their desks. I got back to my PC and told the bloke sitting next to me, next thing was to quickly logon and see if we could find her profile.. sure enough we found it within a few seconds.. It was a unrestricted account as well, so we thought we just hit the jackpot (hoping for some juicy pics or something).. anyway, I click on her profile and it turns out she has this f.ucking application called "Anti-Stalker" or something, it put a huge picture of my profile pic right in the middle of her facebook page and said "Potential Stalker" or some shit .. I couldn't get the shit off either. Hope she didn't see it.

[Shaunm]

How about finding out your company failed to do a police check on someone until after they passed probation, only to have to fire them as they had a record. Jeez, i feel so safe

He'll end up with a lot of money, probably.
It's been done before and also his failure to tick yes to criminal record does not automatically save the company. I know this from experience

[Grooter]

I once busted a manager, Tony, having a wank in the dunnies. Don't know what his diet was like but his baby batter fcuking stunk!

how did you known he was strangling the chicken? And how did you know it was him and not someone else? Did you lurk outside the doors waiting for him to come out?

These are all important Qs

To which I would add: what exactly did his man chowder smell like? Did it smell like shit by any chance? Because if it did, the poor guy was probably just crimping one off

Unless he emits brown faecal spooge, oozing out of his bell-end like some sort of evil toothpaste

Well it's pretty simple really. I walk in, sniff the air (as you do in the dunnies) and it smells like foul smegma which has been under the hood that ain't been cleaned in weeks. Now you could argue he just has a very dirty peeny as opposed to he was having a pull and sprayed the mother-load in his jocks.

But.....

Then Tony walks out of the cubicle, sees me, I see that he is sweating, the color drains from his face and he quickly walks out. He never flushes and there ain't no turtle burgers lurking in the bowl, nor is there anyone else in the dunnies.

open and shut case if you ask me.

[g_u_m_b_y]

Pardon my ignorance, but what DOES that mean?

Form an orderly queue, please, gentlemen....

There is a guy at my work whom everyone has nicknamed "serial killer"

This guy Jeremy is one of those fake hippies - his office is all decked out with yin & yang symbols, his screen saver is a scrolling message that says "empty your mind" or some such shit

I suspect the only thing Jeremy is interested in emptying would be his bloated testicles, into the dismembered corpse of a freshly-slaughtered victim

He's reeeeeaaaaaally soft-spoken, tries to pass himself off as a laid-back chilled-out kinda dude. But do anything to piss him off - e.g. leave stuff in the print tray for more than five minutes after you've printed it, neglect to change the photocopier toner, be the first person to arrive at the office but fail to bring the newspapers up from downstairs, leave unwashed utensils in the tea room, talk on the phone loudly enough to disturb him while he's working, forget to replace the key to the stationery cupboard etc etc etc etc etc - and you'll find him standing in your office doorway, white-lipped and trembling with barely-suppressed rage

He wears lots of denim - a "triple-D" day will see him in jeans, jacket AND denim shirt - which he probably thinks is a sign of casual grooviness. But the shirt is always tucked in, not a hair out of place, everything neat as a pin, ramrod-straight back, keeps himself on an extremely tight leash

He's about 50, married to a mousy little submissive chick of about 25 who doesn't make eye contact, looks like a teenage runaway and you don't even want to begin to think about what must go on at home

i bet he has a stationary draw.
everything inside will be perfectly lined up, in height order, so go into it and move one pencil, just a touch, every day.

my dad does it to a bloke at his work

[Chamberess]

Anyone ever had two colleagues punch each other?